Trouble Saying No

For many women, it’s hard to be forceful without feeling guilty

As a 2-year-old, you took delight in saying “no.”  Yet here you are today, sinking under the needs and demands of family, job and community, and you can’t seem to utter that simple little word to save your life. What’s going on here?

Females do tend to have more trouble saying no, says psychiatrist Susan Wiley, M.D., of Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network. But the problem isn’t your chromosomes. It’s your culture.

“Our society doesn’t teach girls how to forcefully express themselves,” Wiley says. “And saying no is really about the larger issue of asserting yourself. We tend to see assertiveness as attractive in a man, but off-putting in a woman.”

Parents may consciously teach their daughters how to say no in certain situations, such as fending off unwanted touch, she says. But our unspoken feminine ideal is still the caregiver—and when you grow up with that role model, tuning in to your own needs doesn’t always come easy.

Even women who know what they want can’t avoid the juggling act. “Especially when you become a parent, you’re constantly weighing multiple conflicting needs,” Wiley says. “It’s really hard to pursue your own needs without feeling guilty. I have patients who sacrifice their sleep for the pleasure of sitting alone by the TV, because it’s their only ‘me’ time.”

The empty-nest years can provide more ‘me’ time. But it’s still not clear sailing—now, you have the needs of elderly parents to consider. What’s a woman to do?

Remind yourself: “I’m entitled, too.” Your spouse, children and boss aren’t the only ones who deserve care and comfort. “To maintain your health and be a strong role model for those you love, a balanced life is essential,” Wiley says.

Discover what nourishes you. Maybe it’s spending time with a friend, singing in a choir, playing tennis or just reading a good book. Every woman is different.

Line up some support. Have a loved one babysit or fix dinner so you can get out and get nourished. And don’t feel guilty asking!

Keep at it. “You will encounter resistance, and you’ll feel uncomfortable pursuing your own needs,” Wiley says. “But do it anyway—practice makes perfect.”

Learning to say no to unnecessary obligations keeps your life from being one-sided, she says. It frees you to joyfully care for others because you know how to care for yourself.

Want to Know More about affirming your own needs? For a “Woman’s Bill of Rights,” click here (linked to with the permission of New Harbinger Publications.

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